Another appointment today, another disappointment. I reached the point today where I have run out of questions to ask, and answers to give.
Are you okay?
How do you feel about what was said?
Am I okay? so few words with so many possible answers. This morning I woke up thinking; "Today is the day I find my answers". When in fact it was another dead end, when they told me I would be on painkillers the rest of my life. I did not laugh when they told me to "distract myself from the pain", like I would normally. Instead I felt nothing, I just couldn't be bothered anymore and with that I just sat a listened to the words and points being made on both the doctors side and my parents side. In one ear and out the other. All I could think was, What now?
So people ask me if I am okay? the answer is plain...I don't know. I have no more hope left in me to say " I will find an answer" As for how I feel. Tired.
I can't help but ask what I did to deserve this, was it not praying, was it turning my back on those who hurt me. Could it have been something In a "past life". I don't know. I have come to feel like I am being punished for being me. I do not think god favors anyone, but for those that do, it is not me.
I keep telling myself not to give up. My parents say over and over again "we will fix this", but it is hard to fix something that you don't even know. How can I say its gonna be okay, when I do not know what I am fighting.
Once again I am terrified. Not of me. Not of the past. Not of the future, But now.
I have but one question, what makes you fear this moment?